99 Hilarious Quotes Every Parent Can’t Help But Laugh At
Laughing is so healthy and as a mom, we all need those moments where someone gets us, without many words. So why not combine the two? Here are some hilariously true quotes of a parents everyday life to exercise you belly muscles.
I’ve handpicked the absolute best I found to hopefully sprinkle a little joy and laughter into your day. Remind yourself: don’t take life too seriously and you’re not alone in this delightful chaos.
99 Parenting Quotes to Make You Laugh
1. “Before I became a parent, I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s day by asking them to put pants on.”
2. “One day I will be thankful that my child is strong-willed, but that will not be today.”
3. “’ So I stepped away for like two seconds…’ the beginning of a parenting horror story.”
4. “People who say they sleep like a baby usually don’t have one.” – Leo Burke
5. “Hell has no fury like a toddler whose sandwich was been cut into squares when they wanted triangles.”
6. “At bedtime, all children become dehydrated philosophers who need a hug.”
7. “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” -Carrie Underwood
8. “The hardest part of parenting is keeping a straight face when you’re supposed to be mad, but actually, it’s truly hilarious.”
9. “Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shovelling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.” -Phyllis Diller
10. “The only thing kids know how to wear out faster than shoes are their parents.”
11. “I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.”
12. “Both of us can’t look good at the same time; it’s me or the house.”
13. “You know your life has changed when going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation.”
14. “The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable” -Lane Olinghouse
15. “Parenthood is the scariest hood you will ever go through.”
16. “If evolution works, how come mothers only have two hands?” -Milton Berle
17. “My kid is turning out to be exactly like me. Well played, Karma. Well. played.” -House Wife Plus
18. “Started making myself breakfast, and ended up making everybody except myself breakfast.” -Just Surviving Motherhood
19. “That moment when your 2-week-old baby is sleeping and you wonder if it’s possible to take a nap in the shower while you eat lunch?” @themommyjob
20. “My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.” @mommycusses
21. “I love when the kids tell me they are bored. As if the lady standing in front of a sink full of dirty dishes is where you go to get ideas about how to have a good time.” -Just Surviving Motherhood
22. “I’m working on being more organized. Not like, ‘alphabetize the pantry’ organized, just like, ‘stop buying the gift on the way to the party and wrapping it in the car’ organized.” -Her View From Home
23. “I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps…I love that one more.”
24. “When I say: I’m just going to the toilet’, my kids hear¦ ’family meeting assemble in the bathroom now!’” @littleteether
25. “My kids will walk right past their father sitting on the couch and come bang on the shower door for me to open a fruit snack.” -the funny beaver
26. “I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember because our kids interrupted us 175 times.” -Mommy Owl
27. “My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.” -The Funny Beaver
28. “All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.” – Erica Bombeck
29. “Having a child is like getting a tattoo … on your face. You better be committed.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
30. “Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.” – Marshall McLuhan
31. “Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
32. “Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.” – Doug Larson
33. “Parenting without a sense of humor is like being an accountant who sucks at math.”— Amber Dusick
34. “Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” — James Baldwin
35. “The satisfying moment when your friends become parents and suddenly they shift from questioning why you can’t meet more often to how you had time at all.”
36. “Parenting is the art of trying to be patient while appearing to have patience.”
37. “I used to have functioning brain cells, but then I became a parent.”
38. “Silence is golden unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious.”
39. “Becoming a parent is like finally understanding a movie you’ve seen people act out for years.”
40. “Parenting: Because ‘adventure’ just didn’t sound stressful enough.”
41. “My kids’ energy level first thing in the morning is the reason I drink coffee.”
42. “Being a parent means knowing how to unwrap a candy bar without making a sound.”
43. “I thought I’d be a calm, wise parent. Turns out I’m a ‘Don’t make me come back there!’ parent.”
44. “Parenthood: Where ‘sleeping in’ means waking up at 7:30 am.”
45. “If parenting came with a GPS, it would constantly say: ‘Recalculating.'”
46. “Parenting is a lot like a Tarzan movie—constant yelling and swinging from crisis to crisis.”
47. “My house isn’t messy. It’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.”
48. “Behind every great kid is a mom who’s pretty sure she’s screwing it up.”
49. “Parenting: The only job where the first shift and the night shift are the same shift.”
50. “Children are like little alarm clocks, except they don’t come with a snooze button.”
51, “Parenting tip: If you can’t hear the kids, you’re not the only one plotting something.”
52. “My favorite yoga pose is called ‘Trying to Put on Pants While Holding a Baby.'”
53. “Parenthood: The only club where you’re both a member and the bouncer.”
54. “I’ve been to war zones more peaceful than my living room during a toy dispute.”
55. “My kids wanted a cat. I didn’t. So we compromised and got a cat.”
56. “You know you’re a parent when a 15-minute shower with the door locked feels like a spa day.”
57. “Parenting: Because who needs a personal life, anyway?”
58. “‘I need a vacation,’ said every parent who just came back from vacation.”
59. “Laundry is the never-ending story of my parenting life.”
60. “Parenting is whispering ‘for goodness sake’ under your breath about 20 times a day.”
61. “I used to judge parents at the grocery store. And then I became one.”
62. “Having a second child is like agreeing to never be alone again, even in the bathroom.”
63. “Being a parent means having your heart walk around outside of your body, and your last piece of pie being claimed by someone else.”
64. “My kids are the reason I breathe; they’re also the reason I lose my breath, my sanity, and my keys.”
65. “If kids could read minds, every parent would be in big trouble.”
66. “Parenting is telling your kids they need to eat more vegetables while you hide in the kitchen eating chocolate.”
67. “As a parent, I’m just a walking calendar reminding everyone of the day’s schedule.”
68. “Parenting tip: Treat bedtime like a conference call – mute yourself, disable the video, and just nod and smile.”
69. “Being a parent means having to finish every phone call in 30 seconds or less.”
70. “Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.”
71. “Parenting: Where repeatedly saying the same thing over and over comes with the job description.”
72. “I’m not a helicopter parent. I’m more of a ‘stay low, circle silently, and suddenly appear’ kind of parent.”
73. “Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.”
74. “In parenting, ‘patience’ is a polite term for ‘constantly thinking about hiding in the closet’.”
75. “I’ve been held hostage by bedtime for what feels like a decade.”
76. “Parenting is like a bakery: there’s always a new batch of messes rising.”
77. “As a parent, my version of a relaxing day is when the noise level drops from ‘ear-piercing screams’ to ‘incessant chatter’.”
78. “Parenthood is the only job where you clock in at 6 am and never really clock out.”
79. “Kids are adorable until they’re awake.”
80. “Parenting is like a rollercoaster: lots of screams, with moments you think you might throw up.”
81. “The circle of life: I yell at my kids, they yell at their toys, their toys silently judge all of us.”
82. “Becoming a parent means mastering the art of looking unfazed when you’re actually terrified.”
83. “My kids run my house. I just pay the bills.”
84. “If you’re not tired, sticky, or worried about something, are you even a parent?”
85. “Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheet—no one has it completely figured out.”
86. “They say to sleep when your baby sleeps. So is it okay to scream when your baby screams?”
87. “In parenting, ‘winning’ is just a matter of perspective.”
88. “Parenting: Where you simultaneously hope your child will be just like you and nothing like you.”
89. “You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance?”- Franklin P. Adams.
90. “Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”- Nate Smith.
91. “The only thing that kids wear out faster than shoes is their parents.”- John J. Plomp.
92. “First babies have the often-unenviable task of turning people into parents.”- Penelope Leach.
93. “Mike, you have show-and-tell today. Please honey, remember body parts do not count.”- Sarah Baker, ‘Cheaper By The Dozen
94. “Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”- Ralph Bus.
95. “Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”- Martin Mull
96. “I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, ‘Not yet, but we placed an ad.’”- Dana Snow.
97. “I used to believe my father about everything, but then I had children myself and now I see how much stuff you make up just to keep yourself from going crazy.”- Brian Andreas.
98. “I’ve noticed that one thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.”- Dave Barry.
99. “They say that parenting is like dancing. You take one step, your child takes another.”- Michael Jackson
I hope I managed to brighten up your day a little. Having a smile on your lips makes life maybe not easier but much more fun! Have a great day!
