How Can Parents Help Their Children Achieve High Congruence? And Why It Is Important

What does it mean to be congruent? Congruence is the degree of alignment between a person’s inner experiences and outward behavior. In other words, a congruent person is authentic, transparent, and true to themselves in their actions, thoughts, and feelings.

Parents can help their children achieve high congruence by providing a supportive and nurturing environment, encouraging self-expression and autonomy, and modeling positive and authentic behavior.

Achieving high congruence is essential for personal growth, mental health, and well-being. And we, as parents play a crucial role in shaping our children’s personalities and behavior, fostering congruence should be an important part of that. So let’s explore the possibilities!

What Is Congruence?

Congruence is a central concept in humanistic psychology, which emphasizes the subjective experiences, personal growth, and self-actualization of individuals. According to Carl Rogers, a congruent person is someone honest and authentic, who does not hide behind a mask, and whose behavior is consistent with their inner experiences.

In other words, congruent individuals are genuine, transparent, and honest in their thoughts, feelings, and actions. They are not afraid to be vulnerable, express their emotions, and take risks to pursue their goals and aspirations. They are comfortable with who they are and do not try to be someone they are not to please others.

Some of the key characteristics of congruent individuals include:

• Authenticity: They are true to themselves and do not try to be someone else to gain acceptance or approval from others.
• Transparency: They are open and honest in their communication and do not hide their thoughts or feelings.
• Self-awareness: They have a deep understanding of their thoughts, emotions, and behavior and can regulate them effectively.
• Self-acceptance: They accept themselves as they are, with their strengths and weaknesses, and do not judge or criticize themselves harshly.
• Self-directedness: They are motivated by their inner goals and values, rather than external rewards or pressures.

Why is achieving high congruence important for children?

Achieving high congruence is essential for children’s mental health, well-being, and personal growth. Here are some reasons why:

• Improved self-esteem: When children are congruent, they feel good about themselves and their abilities, and this can boost their self-esteem and confidence.
• Better relationships: Congruent children are more likely to develop positive and meaningful relationships with others, as they are authentic, honest, and open in their communication.
• Emotional regulation: Congruent children are more self-aware and able to regulate their emotions effectively, which can help them manage stress, anxiety, and other negative emotions.
• Resilience: Congruent children are better able to cope with challenges and setbacks, as they are more self-directed and motivated to pursue their goals and aspirations.

On the other hand, children who lack congruence may struggle with low self-esteem, self-doubt, anxiety, and depression. They may also have difficulties in forming meaningful relationships, expressing their emotions, and pursuing their goals and aspirations.

The Nature vs. Nurture Debate

An example of high congruence is a child who is comfortable with who they are and expresses their thoughts and feelings openly and honestly. For instance, a child who is not afraid to say no to peer pressure, express their emotions, and pursue their interests and passions, even if they are different from what others expect of them, is a congruent child.

Famous examples of high congruence can be found throughout history. You can find many notable examples of people who did what was right for them regardless of the pressures and expectations of society. They became a symbol of hope, and resilience, inspiring generations to embrace their authenticity and humanity.

However, the question of whether we are born with our personality or it develops over time is still debated among psychologists. The nature vs. nurture debate has been a long-standing controversy in psychology, as it raises questions about the role of genetics, environment, and experience in shaping our personality and behavior.

On one hand, some researchers argue that you are born with your personality traits and that they are relatively stable over time. For example, studies on twins have shown that identical twins, who share the same genes, tend to have more similar personality traits than fraternal twins, who share only half of their genes.

On the other hand, other researchers emphasize the role of environment and experience in shaping personality. Some personality traits can be found, not always, but more often in children that grew up in certain environments. And I think we all agree, that it does make a difference if you grew up in a supportive and nurturing environment instead of in a hostile or neglectful one.

While the nature vs. nurture debate is still ongoing, most psychologists agree that both nature and nurture contribute to the development of personality and that there is no single factor that can fully explain it. Rather, personality is a complex and dynamic interplay between genetic, environmental, and experiential factors, and can change over time in response to new situations and experiences.

Factors that help develop the personality of a child

Several factors contribute to the development of a child’s personality, including:

Innate traits: While neither birth time nor genetics may fully determine a child’s personality, they play a role in shaping their temperament, which is the innate disposition and behavioral style that a child is born with. Some children may be more outgoing and sociable, while others may be more introverted and cautious, due to their nature.

Environment: The environment in which a child grows up also has a significant impact on their development. It does make a difference, if children grew up in a loving and supportive environment or a hostile, or neglectful environment.

Parenting style: The parenting style of a child’s caregivers has an influence, too. For example, children who receive consistent and positive reinforcement for their behavior tend to have more positive self-concepts and higher self-esteem than children who experience inconsistent or negative feedback.

Additionally, children who are raised with authoritarian or overprotective parenting styles may develop anxiety, low self-esteem, and a lack of autonomy.

Experiences: The experiences that a child has can shape their personality development. For example, a child who experiences trauma or adversity, such as bullying or abuse, may develop negative personality traits, such as anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression.

Conversely, children who have positive experiences, such as nurturing friendships or supportive mentors, may develop positive personality traits, such as self-confidence, resilience, and empathy.

Culture: The culture in which a child grows up can also influence their personality and behavior. There are big differences in what is considered normal for people from different cultures. So the behavior of people who grew up in Japan can be very different from someone who grew up in the U.S., Germany, or India, and vice versa.

It’s important to note that each child is unique and may develop their personality differently, depending on their individual experiences and circumstances. 

How can parents help their children achieve high congruence?

High congruence is a state of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and authenticity, where individuals are comfortable with who they are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Parents can help their children achieve high congruence by providing a supportive and nurturing environment, encouraging self-expression and autonomy, and modeling positive and authentic behavior. By doing so, parents can help their children develop a healthy and authentic personality, which can contribute to their overall well-being and success in life.

Here are some specific ways that parents can help their children achieve high congruence:

Encourage self-expression: Parents can encourage their children to express their thoughts, feelings, and opinions by creating a safe and supportive environment for them to do so. This involves actively listening to their children, validating their feelings, and providing positive feedback about them doing so.

Foster autonomy: Parents can also help their children develop a sense of autonomy and independence by allowing them to make their own decisions and take risks within a safe and supportive context. This can involve setting clear boundaries and expectations, providing guidance and support, and allowing children to experience natural consequences.

Model positive behavior: Parents can model positive and authentic behavior for their children by being true to themselves and expressing their thoughts, feelings, and opinions respectfully and honestly. This can involve admitting mistakes and taking responsibility for one’s actions, as well as respecting and valuing others’ opinions and perspectives.

Provide opportunities for personal growth: Parents can provide their children with opportunities to explore their interests and passions and to challenge themselves to develop new skills and abilities. This can involve exposing them to new experiences, providing them with resources and support, and encouraging them to pursue their goals and aspirations.

Create a supportive environment: Parents can create a supportive and nurturing environment for their children by providing a sense of security, love, and acceptance. This involves things like spending quality time with them, providing emotional support and encouragement, and creating a sense of belonging and connection within the family.

By helping their children achieve high congruence, parents can contribute to their overall well-being and success in life. Children who are comfortable with who they are, express themselves honestly and openly, and pursue their interests and passions tend to have more positive self-concepts, higher self-esteem, and greater resilience in the face of adversity. This can help them navigate the challenges of life with greater confidence, purpose, and authenticity.